| I Need Not Fear the Mollusks |
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| October 2005 | |
| Written by The Doormouse | |
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A Taste of Wormwood I’m listening to Kanye West breaking it down. I am absolutely off my rocker on absinthe. It’s far too real. I’m not sure what it means for Jennifer Lopez right now, but Usher would be absolutely an externality right now. Green swirls means money. I FEEL LIKE HAVING MONEY. The problem with everything today is it’s too real—like money, it’s cold HARD cash, the HARDness of it all is so external, so cold. Kanye writes about 18 years of goldiggers but I’m not sure he needs to feel the green right now because this sense of externality makes up for monetary feeling entirely. What does green mean anyway? 
You know what’s green, the real, the real green? I felt it crunch under
my feet, I felt the heaviness of it all, finally felt so outside of it
all that grass was no longer something that was just there, it was
holding me up. If you just get down with your externality of yourself,
everything you come to approach will just be there, whether it’s a
sprinkler or something so incredibly real, you can’t explain it.
We’ve been at Yale so long without feeling anything, I mean, REALLY
feeling. The externality for externality’s sake is what it’s all about.
There are no mollusks here — like, no mollusks, like they’re far too
real. Reality’s bad. It’s too offensive. It’s not what we really
need to transcend. I went beyond that today, so far beyond that I saw
Satan himself. I KNEW him, it was too real. To actually have the
lights and everything turned off, to get outside—being outside isn’t
safe, anything can happen. That’s risk, man, that’s danger, for
externality. I mean we talk everyday about what it really means to
KNOW, what it really is to BE, and how we all really want to just go
beyond, but I went way too beyond, to the point where I didn’t know
what came next beneath my own feet. I grasp it now, it’s so outside
that I can finally see it. Externality, it is scary is what it is. No one ever said it would be safe. Take the absinthe—it’s beautiful, the most beautiful thing watching it burn and turning everything off until it’s just you and this delicate blue flame—and that flame’s what you are, how you’re feeling, so personal and ethereal. But then you blow it out and let it flow inside of you, until it grasps you and melds with you until you are it and it is you, and everything else cannot and will not be you. Do you know what that is? Everything just stopped being, like I could finally see how everything was holding everything else up and how real and flawed everything else was. It gets too loud, too real. Reality’s just a compromise, is what it is. But when you step out of reality and it’s just you versus everything else—not you with everything, it’s not the haze of being at one with the universe—the externality, the going external, it’s just alertness and form. To really grasp the form is to be so outside that you no longer have any connection to that form—like, the grass or the concrete, it has nothing to do with me. The mollusks—like, I don’t GET them and they can’t get me. The Doormouse is The Yale Free Press' correspondent to the underworld. |
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